Collide

Dear Nightwing,

Who knows why our worlds collide? All I know is that having you there has made this ride less turbulent. I think we are both stuck in the same loop in our lives, that wherein the more we fight the pull of our family the more we get sucked in by the centripetal force. I love my family and yet sometimes I feel that I am losing my life by allowing them to play such a major role in it.

I constantly worry about the health of my parents, it's one of the few things that keep me up at night. I worry about my brothers and the kids. I worry whether there is something I can do to give them a better life. Most of the time, it is never up to me. I am merely a bystander, a rubbernecker. Yet it doesn't stop me from being so anxious.

Instead, I should be thinking of me. Of today. Of tomorrow.

It's Wednesday and I haven't heard from Singapore Boy. Maybe he has changed his mind about this NY coffee date. It's no big deal, I've changed my mind as well. If we are to stay as friends, we might as well stay as friends at a distance. I am a poor sport really. At least when it comes to matters of the heart.

These days, I've reached a level of predictability that I find comforting. I go to work. Work is good. I go home. My weekends are filled with family time. I clean. I cook -- my great source of satisfaction. I watch movies alone. On Mondays, I go back to work. Pareto optimality is the goal of every economist, right? This, I believe, is something I have the liberty to spread over all the way to where you are. If only it were all that simple. For one brief moment, you can believe that it is that simple.

Hallucinatory,
Toronto Girl