I thought I would start this live journal as my late Christmas present to you. You have asked me to write, so here it is and this way I will be reminded to fill up this space as the days go by. Do you like my little surprise?
I fear that I am slowly forgetting who I used to be and what I have left behind over there. In my recent trips over there, I no longer feel like I know that city as I used to. I am no longer at ease amidst the crowds in malls or the slow moving traffic. I complain about the heat and the fumes on the streets. Yet I am homesick for it every night. I have no regrets about coming here, but I am saddened just as a mother feels when she rummages through her child's chest of outgrown dresses and little socks. One must go on, but one musn't forget.
I must also tell you the changes I have been undergoing, much like how the Historian documented his bodily changes after he was infected by a vampire (from the book entitled The Historian by Elizabeth Kostova). This transformation is inevitable. But I fight with as much strength that I can muster. I speak Tagalog whenever possible. I crave to hear its lilting sound from conversations overheard in buses and subways. I eavesdrop even if it is impolite just so I feel I am not alone in this cold, cold City.
It snowed all through New Year's Eve and when we woke up on the first day of the year, our streets were covered with snow once again. I like how it is white everywhere, freshly fallen snow before the snow ploughs come to clear the streets or before our neighbors begin to shovel their driveways clean. I live with my parents. My white friends think it is lame how people like me can stay with their parents after they turn 18. I don't understand why this is lame. I don't understand how they can't stand to be with their family for over a week. Give them ten days with family and they will go mad. I think some friends I have met from Latin America and Asia are just as close to their family and do not leave their homes until they are married. I meet all kinds of people from everywhere over here.
But I digress. So my parents and I walked to church at 10 past 10:00 am to attend the mass for New Year's Day. A feast in honor of Our Lady. We walked in the silent street, I imagine everyone else asleep having stayed up till past midnight. The mass was beautiful, the message was about making resolutions. I half listened to the homily and half meditated on the two resolutions I have made. I think I may have told you about them a few nights ago, so I will keep this between you and me. We get back home and we three shovel snow off the driveway and our old Honda Civic. Then I go inside to prepare brunch at noon. This is how we started the year.
All I did for the rest of the day was watch Sweet November, 50 First Dates and Stepmom one after the other. I declined on two dinner invitations. I decided to fight my demons. I called Julian. Is it really my fault that I choose guys as friends? It only becomes a problem when I fall for them. I think it is because I have long chosen my girl friends and in my mind they are irreplaceable. But then again, I cannot help it -- I am simply drawn towards guy friends. I called him just to catch up and to promise to see him soon. I fought all other temptations to call, e-mail or buzz someone else. That will have to wait. No rash actions on New Year's Day. I remember last year I sent out my resume for a social worker position on New Year's Day. The intention was right, I wanted a new career path. I didn't get that job because I wasn't right for the position. I don't really know now what possessed me to apply. But twelve months, three jobs and two failed applications later I believe I have found my corner, my little nook, and I am at peace.
I find that when I act on something at the start of the year, I set myself up for a heartache. Instead, I directed my energies inwardly yesterday. Content with the silence. Happy to be enveloped in the conclusion of a year of hard work and the possibilities of the year ahead.
Today was the first day that we were back to work in normal mode since Christmas. I was working on the inventory list of unwanted stock items and made it halfway into the list until I gave up at 4:00 pm. It was terribly boring. The few calls I got from clients were always a welcome distraction. I even closed my first sale for the year. Truthfully, it isn't always enjoyable but there was nowhere else I wanted to be today. Besides, it was freezing cold outside, possibly the coldest day since Winter started so staying indoors for the rest of the day was definitely the better option.
I understand how you want to find some sort of order in an otherwise unpredictable and stressful life. There are days when you probably feel like you are spiraling deeper into the abyss. There are no guarantees, there are no promises. I am nowhere near where I dreamed of many years ago. But there is peace amidst the chaos and you will find your sanctuary in the least place you expect it.
I feel like I have said enough for now. I hope you get to read this before my next post.
You know where to find me,
Toronto Girl
Toronto Girl
No comments:
Post a Comment