Love Always

December has been a very emotional month. I didn't realize that I was trying to keep it together since March until the dam broke and all my emotions came rushing out. I didn't know that I was trying to be strong for everyone, trying to keep it in, since Papa died early this year. I had such big shoes to fill in. Because he was my mom's security blanket. I was merely the child that completed the picture.

I came back home to fill in the empty spaces. Never mind that I had just started to get some footing in Canada. Never mind that I had finally found some peace, a little piece of heaven, for myself. But maybe there was a reason for it all. Maybe I had some unfinished business. Maybe I had reason to come back. But all that had to take the backseat. I told myself that I was here for mom, for all the firsts for the year.

But I also told myself that I was going back home for a two-week visit in December. I didn't realize that I needed those two weeks to recharge. Not until it dawned on me that I had to cancel those plans and postpone my trip. It was a matter of not having the funds come in in time. Things had to wait. I had to wait. Except my heart couldn't wait.

Yes I'm referring to Mississauga as my home. It only became clearer that I regarded Canada as home now. After coming back to Manila, and living and working here for six months now, it became very clear why I left this place in 2005. I was over this place. I wanted a simpler life. I didn't want the easy life. I wanted the ordinary life. I wanted my own life. Not the life that others wanted me to live. Sure I got a cool job working as a Marketing Manager for a car magazine. Sure I lived in one of the elitist residential areas in the country. But I craved for something less, something more.

I spent the first two weeks of December crying, the second week angry, and the third week sick.

I had found myself in the last four years while I was away from Manila. I liked my job. It wasn't paying alot, but it meant something. I worked in a company that sold wheelchairs and other medical equipment. There were good days and bad days, just like any job. But it was a job that allowed me to have a normal life. I had weekends off. I was done by 6:00 pm on weekdays. I could have a life outside work. However, even my work life meant something.

Hard work was rewarded. There were fewer nights out, but my friends were true friends. Now that I'm far from them, I realized that I had made good friends in those last four years too. A group of them are actually back here in Manila, and I've been spending time with them too. They're the Tuesday Club.

I had something, I had everything. I wanted less, I wanted more. I wanted him too. I think I must have come back for him. Or at least my father sent me back here for a reason. Yes to take care of mom. For the first year that he is gone. But I cannot stay for any longer than that. I must Live too.

Him. He reminds me always that Love is never asking for anything in return. Sometimes I think this is just his easy way out of a having a commitment. I have learned a lot about Love these past few months. One thing I know for sure, he isn't ready to give me the kind of love I can give him. This hasn't stopped my heart from beating only for him. I realized that ultimatums doesn't make me change my mind either. Yes we argue. Yes we don't always see things eye to eye. Yes he isn't used to expressing himself in words and sometimes even in deeds. Yet I wait. Yet I love him for all that my heart can muster.

I want to take him with me. I want to go back home. I want to bring him home. Maybe this is what 2010 will have in store for us. I don't know. Maybe I will lose everything in the process. I'm scared. I don't know if I can do it.

But in the name of Love, I will do everything that my little heart can handle. Perhaps he is right. Love means all that.